Rant 2

So I was in my favorite store the other day and I had to take a shit. I hate going number 2 in a public restroom its just wrong. So I walk in squeezing my ass cheeks together and all of the stalls are being used, even the handicapped one. The only thing handicapped about the jack ass in there was his flatulence. A stall cleared and I made my way over to it. I was not about to sit on a toilet seat that had just been occupied by some old geezer so I was relieved to see that they had the toilet seat covers. I am fully aware that it is just the tiniest slip of paper separating my ass from the seat but it is the illusion that I am not sitting on the seat that counts.

I pull out a cover and carefully detach the center ring, and place it gingerly on the toilet seat. I turned around and started to pull down my pants when I heard this whoosh! When I looked at the toilet the cover was gone. I placed another on the seat turned around and whoosh, a second was gone. Now I was getting mad. Mother fucking toilet stealing my covers? I placed a third and, you guessed it whoosh. It was only then that I realized that it was one of those self flushing toilets. I ended up squatting like a fucking dog, cause there was no way my ass was going to touch the still warm toilet seat.

This just goes to show you what a lazy good for nothing society we live in. Its ok to have a urinal be auto flush because unless your some kind of contortionist you can't get your foot that high, but a regular toilet any one can reach. Its a sad statement that you have to install auto-flushers, because most people are too goddamn lazy to flush the toilet themselves.

Here's another problem with the auto-flusher. What if you want to inspect your movement? You might have lost some internal organ, or passed something that a guy named Pedro needs delivered. You can't do that if the second your ass is off the seat, the toilet flushes. Do you think Pedro will like that excuse if he doesn't get his shipment? What if you needed to know the last time you ate corn?